I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
