I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
