so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
