if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
