Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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