i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
