when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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