Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We don't watch enough power rangers
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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