My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
