she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
