I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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