I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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