Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
