I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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