Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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