About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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