it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
