She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
