some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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