Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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