why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Everything about him screamed your future.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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