Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize