I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
