I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think my tv is drunk
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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