woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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