He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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