Just cropdusted the office
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
