foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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