Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
