Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
