Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
