Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
