My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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