the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
