my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
