fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
