why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
