why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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