Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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