Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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