my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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