Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This is the high leading the old right now
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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