I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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