I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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