my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
