Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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