I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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