I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
