just come out here and I will go home with you...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
