What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
