I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
