Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
