I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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