Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
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I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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