Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
