I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
