her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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