She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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