I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
