my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
