I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
