I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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